Snow White

by Mike McGranaghan

Breaking News: Snow White Killed by Seven Dwarfs

I continue to be baffled by Disney’s live-action remakes of their classic animated films. Why would anybody want to see an inferior version of a story they love? For half an hour, Snow White seems like it’s going to buck the trend. It’s immediately clear that Rachel Zegler is perfect for the role. There’s a new song called “Waiting on a Wish” that expresses the character’s desire to explore life outside the confines of her father’s castle, which is now ruled by the evil Queen (Gal Gadot). Zegler sings the hell out of it. The actress exudes the grace and warmth that defines the character, setting us up for a good time.

Then those damnable dwarfs show up. Instead of casting humans, the movie makes the choice – and boy, is it ever a choice – to render them with CGI. From the moment we first hear the singing of “Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work we go!” the film immediately sinks. To call Sleepy, Doc, and crew creepy would be an understatement. They’re pure nightmare fuel, especially Dopey. So now you’ve got a situation where the magical Rachel Zegler is surrounded by soulless computer-generated creations with no personality. She’s very alive; they’re dead up on the screen.

Snow White reminded me of a line of dialogue Jeff Goldblum speaks in Jurassic Park: “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should.” Modern day effects technology allows movies to insert fantastical characters. The folks at Disney probably thought audiences would love seeing the dwarfs programmed to resemble their appearances in the beloved 1937 original. In reality, the impact is akin to one of those clickbait articles you see online where AI shows you what The Simpsons characters or Beavis and Butthead would look like if they were real people. Nothing about it is even remotely pleasing.

The problem might have been balanced out a bit if the Queen was stronger. Gal Gadot looks the part, but lacks the intensity needed to be a menacing villain. As bad as the Maleficent pictures are, Angelina Jolie oozes ice-cold malice in them. You really believe she’s on the verge of ripping somebody’s head off. Gadot doesn’t accomplish that, giving a performance best described as adequate. Her singing, on the other hand, is not, and you can tell the Queen’s big musical number has been designed to try to hide her vocal limitations.

The original Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs runs 83 minutes. This remake is almost half an hour longer. Perhaps to pad out the running time – or to put a more contemporary spin on the tale – there’s a subplot about Snow White falling for a common thief named Jonathan (Andrew Burnap) that’s designed to establish her as a strong woman capable of holding her own in a difficult situation. It yields mixed results. A terrible new song called “Princess Problems” finds Jonathan mocking her royal heritage and her responding with pluckiness. Much better is Snow White’s final confrontation with the Queen that allows her to demonstrate true fortitude.

Snow White isn’t the worst Disney remake. That would be Robert Zemeckis’s Pinocchio. It is, however, one of the company’s biggest missed opportunities. The production design is outstanding, and Zegler lights up the screen. Everything else is a huge letdown. Stick with the animated version.

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