Hot Spring Shark Attack

by Mike McGranaghan

On the surface, Hot Spring Shark Attack sounds like it could be fun. The plot concerns a newly discovered, flexible breed of shark that is able to squeeze through pipes and subsequently ends up terrorizing the patrons of a Japanese city’s hot springs establishments. That’s the kind of looney tunes premise that can’t miss, right? Wrong. Even at a mercifully brief 77 minutes, I could hardly wait for this movie to be over.

Writer/director Morihito Inoue uses Steven Spielberg’s Jaws as a template for the story. There’s a law enforcement official determined to kill the sharks, an academic brought in to advise, and a corrupt mayor who doesn’t want anything to interfere with the local economy. Unlike Martin Brody, Matt Hooper, and Larry Vaughn, though, these characters are played for laughs. Or at least they ostensibly are. Nothing about them is particularly funny. The film’s Quint is a mysterious muscular guy capable of delivering punches that knock the sharks’ lights out. The sight is moderately amusing the first time. By the third, the bit has run its course.

The film’s story, such as it is, is scattershot and rushed, so there’s never any suspense generated. Unfortunately, lack of a true narrative is the least of the problems. Hot Spring Shark Attack is intentionally made to look cheap and fakey. For the bloody action sequences, Inoue relies on low-grade CGI – the kind that makes Sharknado look like The Shallows. Your computer’s screensaver is more elegantly animated than the sharks are in this picture.

Other times, it’s painfully obvious the cast members are acting against a greenscreen. Star Wars and Blade Runner proved well-designed models can create an artificial sense of size. The models used here make no such effort. We’re supposed to laugh at the use of models, just as we’re supposed to laugh at how bad the CGI is. For one attack, Inoue even uses what is unmistakably a Barbie doll in place of an actual performer. That’s the joke.

If this was an Airplane!-style spoof of shark thrillers, the approach might have worked. But it’s not. Personally, the “bad on purpose” aesthetic never succeeds for me. Take away the single gag and what are you left with? The answer is nothing. Hot Spring Shark Attack spends the entire running time calling attention to how crappy it looks, then expects viewers to laugh at that repetitive idea. One or two semi-decent chuckles can’t compensate for how grating the movie becomes.

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