Movies are educational — sometimes on purpose, other times accidentally. Not a year goes by that I don’t learn at least a few things from the movies I see and review. 2017 was no different. Below are twenty of the most valuable bits of knowledge I gleaned during the past twelve cinematic months.
- You can’t get no infection in your booty hole. (Girls Trip)
- “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” is a really deep song. (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2)
- A tapeworm can be removed from someone’s body by dangling a piece of meat in front of their face. (Snatched)
- John Denver is dope. (Free Fire, Logan Lucky, Kingsman: The Golden Circle)
- You can spend ten full minutes showing your lead actress eating an entire pie, and it can be riveting. (A Ghost Story)
- Morgan Freeman is a great actor, but even his considerable talents can’t save a bad movie from itself. (Going in Style, Just Getting Started)
- “Bagdikian” is a real last name. (The Post)
- Evil clowns know how to possess slide projectors. (It)
- Never sit on a sink that hasn’t been braced. (mother!)
- CGI can create worlds and beings that don’t exist, yet somehow can’t convincingly remove an actor’s mustache. (Justice League)
- If you shrink a person to five inches, you have to shave their eyebrows off first, because apparently eyebrows don’t shrink. (Downsizing)
- Adult diapers and Red Bull are the keys to a successful long-distance road trip. (Rough Night)
- GPS systems are like the “black box” on an airplane. A car can be utterly destroyed, but the GPS will remain in pristine condition and work perfectly. (Kidnap)
- Nitrogen narcosis will lead to hallucinations, especially pertaining to sharks. (47 Meters Down)
- An artificial hand can totally get sucked into a pneumatic tube, and gummy bears can be used to create an improvised explosive device. (Logan Lucky)
- Theo James saying the F-word in slow motion is inexplicably hilarious. (Underworld: Blood Wars)
- Kenny G will apparently come and perform at your house, for a price. (A Bad Moms Christmas)
- Eighty minutes of deleted scenes can sometimes be funnier and more entertaining than the actual 88-minute movie. (The House)
- You can survive a massive explosion happening inches away, so long as you’re inside a fancy car. (The Fate of the Furious)
- Peaches are for more than just eating. (Call Me by Your Name)
