THE AISLE SEAT - by Mike McGranaghan
"HATE MAIL REPLY"
Dear Angry Person,
You have been directed to this link because you sent me hate mail, either via email, Twitter, a Facebook message, or a Rotten Tomatoes forum posting. Most likely, you have done this because your opinion on a particular movie is different from mine, and you wanted to let me know how wrong I am. But since intelligent, thoughtful discussion is beyond your means, you have opted instead for a written tirade. Perfectly understandable. However, there are a few things you need to know:
1. I have very thick skin. While I take my job seriously, I don't take myself particularly seriously at all. Therefore, if you attempted to insult, hurt, or wound me through the use of name-calling and/or perjoratives, please be advised that you have failed miserably. Then again, you're probably used to failure, so this should be a familiar feeling. (That was a joke. See? I don't take myself too seriously. Neither should you. It would be illogical for me to completely write you off as a failure, given that I know nothing about you except for some words you wrote. Because only a complete jackass would do something as dismissive as that, right?)
2. If you told me to "get a new job," thank you. That sentiment will give me a nice, hearty laugh as I head to the bank to cash my bi-weekly paycheck. I love to laugh, especially when I can do so maniacally.
3. There is a genocide happening in Darfur. Homeless people can be found living on the streets of every major city in the United States. There are countries in the world where people do not have enough food to eat, or any clean water to drink. Thousands of innocent children are subjected to physical and sexual abuse every single day. If your biggest source of anger is that a film critic liked a movie you hated/hated a movie you liked, may I kindly suggest you develop a sense of perspective? In the grand scheme of things, who really cares?
Thank you for reading this. Even though you illogically hate me for simply daring to have my own opinion - something you clearly pride yourself on - I am grateful that you took the time to check out one of my reviews. The very fact that you did so ensures that I will continue to be gainfully employed as a film critic.
Now go work on developing some taste in movies because, quite frankly, yours sucks. (That's a joke too.)
Buy a copy of my book, "Straight-Up Blatant: Musings From The Aisle Seat," on sale now at Lulu.com!