Awards season is here (again)! It’s hard to go more than five minutes without hearing about some group, somewhere, handing out awards to the best films of last year. Now I’m going to add my own to the pile. These awards won’t just celebrate the best pictures and performances of 2011, although that’s certainly part of it; instead, I’m honoring anything notable, be it good, bad, or indifferent. And the best part: no musical numbers or long-ass acceptance speeches! Without any further ado (because, damn, I hates me the ado), here are the 2011 Aisle Seat Awards!
Actor With the Biggest Output of Crap: Nicolas Cage (Drive Angry, Season of the Witch)
Best Use of 3D: Hugo
Worst or Most Pointless Use of 3D: Green Lantern
Best Line of Dialogue: “Go fuck yourself!” – Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) to the future Professor X and Magneto in X-Men: First Class
Worst Line of Dialogue: “May the best va-jay-jay win!” from New Year’s Eve
Most Appropriately Titled Movie: Atrocious
Most Intimidating Anatomy: Michael Fassbender in Shame
Best Movie Nobody Saw: Bellflower
Worst Movie Everybody Saw: Fast Five
Moldy Oldie Award: Take Me Home Tonight, which finally saw release after nearly four years on a studio shelf
Biggest Waste of Talent: Dream House, which starred Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz, and Naomi Watts, and was directed by Jim Sheridan
Best Original Scores: Hanna and Drive
Best Musical Number: “Life’s a Happy Song” from The Muppets
Worst Musical Number: Brandon T. Jackson rapping and Martin Lawrence breakdancing, both dressed as overweight women, in Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Best Opening Credits Sequence: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Movie Most Improved By a Director’s Cut: Sucker Punch
Slacker Award: Tyler Perry, who only released one movie in 2011, as opposed to his usual two or three
Don’t Quit Your Day Job Award: Kevin Smith, who tried making a horror film with Red State, and seemingly forgot how to write interesting characters or a coherent plot in the process
Most Uncharacteristically Sloppy Movie From a Usually Reliable Director: Ron Howard – The Dilemma
Perviest Scene From a Movie Other Than Shame: Horny old guy licks the face of a naked, comatose Emily Browning in Sleeping Beauty
Best Character Name: Dean “Motherfucker” Jones - Horrible Bosses
Movie Not Nearly as Good as the Hipster Buzz Would Lead You To Believe: Hobo with a Shotgun
Movie Every Bit as Good as the Hipster Buzz Would Lead You To Believe: Attack the Block
The Nooooooooooo! Award for Most Heartbreaking Badness: Cars 2, which broke Pixar’s perfect track record of making good films
Most Overused Idea: Opposite-sex pals engaging in “emotion-free” sex (No Strings Attached, Friends with Benefits)
Least Justifiable Bandwagon: “Give Andy Sirkis an Oscar nomination for Rise of the Planet of the Apes!”
Busiest Actress No One Had Ever Heard of Before This Year: Jessica Chastain (The Debt, Take Shelter, Coriolanus, The Tree of Life, The Help, Texas Killing Fields)
Most Impressive Debut: Elizabeth Olsen in Martha Marcy May Marlene
Best Action Sequence: Tom Cruise scaling the Burj Khalifa in Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
Best Villain: The tire in Rubber
Best Documentary: The Elephant in the Living Room
Worst Documentary: I Want Your Money
Best Animated Feature: Rango
Best Comedy: Bridesmaids
Best Picture: Hugo
Best Actor: (tie) George Clooney in The Descendants/Jean Dujardin in The Artist
Best Actress: Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia
Best Supporting Actor: Nick Nolte in Warrior
Best Supporting Actress: Shailene Woodley in The Descendants
Worst Picture: Jack and Jill
Worst Actor: Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill
Worst Actress: Leighton Meester in The Roommate
Worst Supporting Actor: (tie) Kellan Lutz/Jackson Rathbone/Peter Facinelli in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Worst Supporting Actress: (tie) Ashley Greene/Nikki Reed in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
