20 Lessons I Learned From Movies in 2017

Movies are educational — sometimes on purpose, other times accidentally. Not a year goes by that I don’t learn at least a few things from the movies I see and review. 2017 was no different. Below are twenty of the most valuable bits of knowledge I gleaned during the past twelve cinematic months.

  • You can’t get no infection in your booty hole. (Girls Trip)
  • “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” is a really deep song. (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2)
  • A tapeworm can be removed from someone’s body by dangling a piece of meat in front of their face. (Snatched)
  • John Denver is dope. (Free FireLogan Lucky, Kingsman: The Golden Circle)
  • You can spend ten full minutes showing your lead actress eating an entire pie, and it can be riveting. (A Ghost Story)
  • Morgan Freeman is a great actor, but even his considerable talents can’t save a bad movie from itself. (Going in Style, Just Getting Started)
  • “Bagdikian” is a real last name. (The Post)
  • Evil clowns know how to possess slide projectors. (It)
  • Never sit on a sink that hasn’t been braced. (mother!)
  • CGI can create worlds and beings that don’t exist, yet somehow can’t convincingly remove an actor’s mustache. (Justice League)
  • If you shrink a person to five inches, you have to shave their eyebrows off first, because apparently eyebrows don’t shrink. (Downsizing)
  • Adult diapers and Red Bull are the keys to a successful long-distance road trip. (Rough Night)
  • GPS systems are like the “black box” on an airplane. A car can be utterly destroyed, but the GPS will remain in pristine condition and work perfectly. (Kidnap)
  • Nitrogen narcosis will lead to hallucinations, especially pertaining to sharks. (47 Meters Down)
  • An artificial hand can totally get sucked into a pneumatic tube, and gummy bears can be used to create an improvised explosive device. (Logan Lucky)
  • Theo James saying the F-word in slow motion is inexplicably hilarious. (Underworld: Blood Wars)
  • Kenny G will apparently come and perform at your house, for a price. (A Bad Moms Christmas)
  • Eighty minutes of deleted scenes can sometimes be funnier and more entertaining than the actual 88-minute movie. (The House)
  • You can survive a massive explosion happening inches away, so long as you’re inside a fancy car. (The Fate of the Furious)
  • Peaches are for more than just eating. (Call Me by Your Name)